


Scars

by vcdbtch2



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bullying, Happy Ending, M/M, Mentioned Suicide Attempt, Sad Spencer, Scars, Self-Harm, Soft Derek Morgan, moried
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:21:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26695930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vcdbtch2/pseuds/vcdbtch2
Summary: Spencer was always wearing something that covered his arms, and Derek was making himself sick trying to figure out why.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 6
Kudos: 254





	Scars

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings of attempted suicide (mentioned), bullying and self harm.

Before Derek and Spencer even started dating, the older man knew Reid had some body issues. Since day one, he would always wear something that covered his full torso and arms. Wether it be cardigans, button up shirts and recently, even hoodies.

The past 5 years of knowing him, Derek observed the younger man. It didn't escape his notice how Spencer downright refused to show his body, but the older man just put it down to him being so insecure about being so skinny. Reid was incredibly tall and lanky and based on what could be seen through his sweaters, there wasn't a whole lot of muscle there.

As the years went on, things changed. One too many run ins with unsubs had Spencer making an effort to get into better physical shape. Though Derek never actually saw Spencer at the gym, it was clear he was getting into better shape. He was more confident with a gun, could chase after unsubs for more than a few seconds without getting tired and from what could be seen, his arms and legs looked less lanky and more toned. Still, no one saw him without something covering his upper body.

Derek wasn't the only one who noticed apparently. Hotch and Emily had tried to coax Spencer into going for runs with them but he always declined, and the one time he did go, he wore a long sleeved shirt. The team never said anything, but Derek could tell they were all thinking the same as him. It wasn't any of their business but knowing someone for 5 years and never seeing them without a cardigan on raised some concerns.

Running wasn't the only physical activity Spencer didn't take part of. He also never went swimming with Rossi, never played baseball with Derek or went on walks with JJ. Even on the blistering hot days in summer where sweat was dripping off everyone in the air-conditoned office, Reid had a long sleeved shirt on. The younger man did seem to be affected by the heat which resulted in him getting his own desk fan, but he still never took his cardigans off.

When Derek and Spencer started dating, Derek assumed things would be different. He assumed Spencer would be comfortable around his own boyfriend to take off his cardigans, after all they were going to get past the kissing stage at some point, but he never did. On the days they got further than kissing, Spencer only let Derek's hands wander to the hem of his shirt before stopping. When Derek asked why, Spencer just said he wasn't in the mood anymore and promplty changed the subject.

At first, Derek thought the problem was body issues but after seeing Spencer gain weight and muscle, he started to rethink that thought. He had asked Spencer once if he was insecure about his body but the other man just laughed and shook his head, and the look in his eyes showed nothing but sincerity. So if he wasn't insecure about his body, than what else could it be?

He started to rethink things and the only other solution he could come up with was he was insecure about the scars he had gotten on the job. Derek knew there were too many bullet wounds on his body, - he could never forget-, and he knew Spencer had been stabbed a few times but they were nothing to be insecure about. The thought was constantly bugging at him to the point where Derek was loosing sleep wondering what his pretty boy was hiding underneath those layers of cotton.

He knew he was on the right track about scars, but he didn't think gun or stab wounds was quite right. His mind then painfully reminded him about the time Spencer was kidnapped by Hankel and as a result, overdosed on Heroin. Things seemed to click in place then and Derek finally thought he figured out what was wrong. Spencer wasn't insecure about his body like some thought, he was insecure about the track marks on the inside of his elbow.

Derek was relieved he finally figured out what was wrong and began to plan out how he was going to talk to Spencer about it, but something still felt wrong. Spencer had said himself once that addiction was a horrible thing to handle and one shouldn't be ashamed of the scars that often followed, so it didn't make sense.

After almost 2 months of sleepless nights, tension headaches and alcohol, Derek decided to just ask Spencer what was going on. He had asked a few times before but Spencer always avoided the subject so it wouldn't be surprising if the same happened but he figured he could flash the younger man his puppy eyes and he would cave.

Derek had gone straight from work to Spencer's apartment, feeling too antsy to stay any longer. Spencer had gone home early due to a migraine and while it killed not being able to take care of him, it gave Derek some time to plan. He thought of many different ways he could ask, but he eventually decided to just outright ask Reid why he never took his shirts off. To be fair, the idea wasn't the best, but he figured it would work all the same.

He took a deep breath to will the butterflies away and knocked on the door of his boyfriends apartment, a small smile gracing his lips when he heard a thump on the other side of the door, followed by a string of curses before the door swung open. Spencer had changed since he went home, no longer in his deep purple button up Derek was weak in the knees for and instead in a grey FBI sweater Derek had given him. Derek felt the nerves float away at the sight of his boyfriend, but it didn't take long for them to come back.

"Derek" Spencer smiled, brushing a fallen curl behind his ear. "What are you doing here? Not that I care, because I don't, i was just wondering"

Derek shook his head and pressed a chaste kiss to Spencer's rambling lips to get him to calm down. Spencer often stumbled over his words when nervous or put on the spot, a trait Derek found cute to no end.

"i actually wanted to ask you something, if you're feeling better that is" Derek asked, biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself from downright snogging that confused frown on his boyfriend's face.

"I feel better now" Spencer finally spoke, his voice slightly hesitant but gestured for Derek to come in anyway. Derek bit his lip as he walked over to the couch, patting the spot next to him until Spencer understood and sat next to him.

"What's on your mind, Der?" Spencer asked softly, placing a soothing hand on his neck to comfort the older man.

Derek closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This was really happening. After questioning his boyfriend's actions for the past 5 years, worrying himself to the point of throwing up, he was finally getting answers. He had spent nearly an hour trying to work out what he was going to say and even though he decided to ask outright, the words wouldn't come.

"Just say it" Spencer's voice cut him out of his thoughts. Derek briefly thought about making something up and rethinking his plan, but the way Spencer was looking at him with concern in his caramel eyes made him finally speak.

"it's nothing bad, i just wanted to ask you something" Derek said. Spencer's soft smile faltered a little and Derek was quick to assure him they weren't breaking up which instantly put the smile back on his face.

Derek smiled back and shifted so he was facing Spencer, taking his hands in his and running his thumb over his knuckles. "Spence, why don't you ever take your shirt off?"

Spencer's eyes widened slightly at the question and it was clear the other man knew what he was talking about, but he soon masked his surprised with a confused smile. "W-what do you mean?"

"Baby, I've known you for over 6 years and i've never seen you without something covering your arms" Derek said. "I thought you were insecure about your body at first but then you started getting into shape. Then i thought you were insecure about the scars you've gotten on the job but it didn't seem right so i thought about it more. Then i remembered the Hankel situation and i came to the conclusion you were ashamed about the track marks but then i remembered you said never to be ashamed of your scars so i don't know what to think"

"You've really thought about this" Spencer gaped at him. Derek could tell he was using his skills to get out of the conversation like he usually did, but Derek wasn't giving up.

"It's worried me sick" Derek swallowed. "Baby, you don't have to tell me but i can never stop wondering"

Spencer realised he wasn't going to get out of the conversation and looked down. Derek squeezed his hands until he looked up, giving him a reassuring smile.

"i-ive never really told anyone but as a kid, i was bullied. You all know about the goalpost incident, but it was much more than that" Spencer swallowed thickly, looking back up at Derek with sad eyes.

" At first, there were just words said behind my back and judging looks, but then things got worse. A rumour started around the schools that i was gay and the kids didn't like that idea very much. I tried to ignore it, but that seemed to make it worse"

"I was 16 when i was cornered in the locker rooms by a group of kids. They were mad at me for ignoring the rumours and when i tried to get away, they hit me. They hit me over and over again until i couldn't breathe and left me bloodied and bruised on the floor. When i didn't show up for the next period, a teacher came looking for me and found me coughing up blood. Apparently i had a few broken ribs and a hairline fracture on my skull, which i was taken to hospital for"

Derek was livid, seeing nothing but red. He knew his pretty boy was the subject to cruel jibes in highschool, but he never imaged this. He was thinking about using his federal skills to track down everyone from that highschool until he found the kids who made his boyfriends life hell.

"Anyway, things got worse from there. My mother was getting worse, frequently forgetting who i was and getting closer and closer to hitting me herself on the bad days. Sometimes, all i wanted was for her to tell me things would be okay, but i found myself telling her that."

"Halfway through year 12 when i made the decision to institutionalise her, i couldn't cope" Spencer sniffled and Derek reached out to brush the tears away with his thumbs.

"Spence" Derek whispered when the other man was silent.

Spencer didn't answer, just pulled his hands away from Derek's to roll his sleeves up.

Derek couldn't suppress the gasp that escaped his lips at the sight. Spencer's arms were covered in scars, large white scars scattered over the underside of his arm, deeper ones dangerously close to the arteries, smaller ones on his bicep.

What really made his knees weak was the large, vertical scar from his wrist to the middle of his forearm. He didn't have to ask to know what the scars were, and he knew exactly what the result of the large scar was.

"Spencer" Derek squeezed his eyes shut, hot tears sliding down his cheeks when they opened again. Spencer was looking at his lap, small tears wetting his own eyelashes.

"Baby i-" Derek found he couldn't speak, too busy trying to wrap his head around his pretty boy hurting himself. He never would have guessed this would be the reason for him always wearing his cardigans.

"So yeah" Spencer finally spoke up, angrily wiping the tears off his face like he was mad at himself for getting upset.

"I'm so sorry, baby, you don't deserve this" Derek sighed, slowly reaching out to run his fingers over the scars. Spencer gasped at the contact but kept his arm in Derek's lap, letting the older man run warm hands over the raised bumps on his skin.

The feeling of the scars under his fingers felt strange but he didn't stop until he had touched every scar. He then hooked two fingers under Spencer's chin, encouraging him to look up.

Their gazes met and Derek leaned forward to kiss Spencer slowly, letting his love seep through their lips. He then took Spencer's arm and brought it to his lips, looking straight into his eyes as he kissed every scar.

When he was done, he carefully sat Spencer's arm back down and pulled him into a hug, manoeuvring his head to rest in the crook of his neck. Derek could feel Spencer's shoulders shaking while his own tears spilled and tightened his grip, pressing kisses to his hair.

"When you're ready, i want you to tell me the reason for each scar" Derek said when they pulled apart. "I especially want to know about this one" He added, running his fingers over the large scar up his arm.

Spencer then told him everything. He told him the meaning behind every scar, why he felt like hurting himself was the only option, how he got passed it and who he told.

Derek held him when he got too worked up, running his thumbs over his knuckles until he calmed down enough to continued.

He told him how the kids at school blamed his Mother's illness on him being gay and how he went home that night, dragging the blade across his skin until his arm was stained red.

Spencer then told him what happened after, how he woke up in a hospital room after being found by his only friend. He said that when he woke up, it was to his Mother sitting beside his bed. Apparently they had given her a day pass out of the institution to see him and when Spencer saw she was having one of her rare good days, he collapsed in her arms and let himself be hugged until he fell asleep.

"I'm so proud of you, you know" Derek said in bed later that night, running his fingers over the scars once again. "You went through hell but made it through, not many people could do that"

"I almost didn't" Spencer reminded him. Derek swallowed a lump in his throat at the thought of loosing Spencer but pushed it out of his mind.

"But you did, baby, and i'll forever be proud of you" Derek murmured, nuzzling his face into the back of his neck.

"Thank you" Spencer said.

Things were quiet for a while, the sounds of their breathing filling the room until Derek spoke again.

"Spence, can you promise me something?" Derek asked, squeezing his hand.

"What?" Spencer asked as he rolled over, keeping his gaze firmly locked with Derek's.

"Promise me if you ever feel like you need to.., if you ever feel the urge you'll come to me first. I don't care if its the middle of the night, you need me i'm there"

Spencer smiled, lifting himself onto his elbow to kiss Derek deeply. "I promise"

With that finally agreed, Derek let out a breath he was holding and pulled Spencer's body impossibly closer.

"I uh " Spencer spoke again, suddenly looking nervous again. " Inalmost did a few weeks ago but i stopped myself knowing how hard it was to stop the first time"

Derek wanted to cry at the confession but schooled his features, instead smiling softly and pressing a kiss to his forehead.

"I'm glad" Derek said. " What made you want to though?"

Spencer closed his eyes and sank into the pillows, resting his head under Derek's chin. "The Burke case, the one with the boy who was raped and murdered for being gay. I guess he just reminded me too much of myself - minus the rape and murder part - and it just hit me at once"

"That case was tough" Derek remembered seeing the 15 year old boy's bloodied body in the basement of a homophobic serial killer, it was something he still had nightmares about.

"Yeah" Spencer agreed, clearly getting tired of the conversation. Derek understood, knowing they could talk more another day.

He pressed one last kiss to Spencer's forehead, pulling him closer and tangling their legs together. The feeling of his boyfriend's warm body against his soon had him drifting off, but before he did he put his hand in Spencer's hair.

"I love you" Derek smiled sleepily, burying his face into his boyfriend's hair.

"Love you too, thank you" Spencer replied into his neck and just like that, they were asleep.

They talked more the next day, Spencer agreeing to talk to someone about his traumatic childhood. Derek was glad to see him so compliant and knew the scars on his pretty boy's arms would eventually become something he could embrace and show off.


End file.
